


the good, the grey, etc.

by hotmess_ex_press



Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: Cheating, Hanahaki Disease, Light Angst, M/M, Power Dynamics, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-23
Updated: 2019-01-23
Packaged: 2019-10-14 21:48:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17516459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hotmess_ex_press/pseuds/hotmess_ex_press
Summary: damn me if i tell you i could live without you, Jiyong messages him.Seunghyun smiles but it tastes bitter.





	the good, the grey, etc.

**Author's Note:**

> hanahaki disease is known as the disease of unrequited love. the victim will find themselves with flowers growing in their lungs; typically, there is an ultimatum: undergo a surgery that will remove the feelings of love, or die

Seunghyun knows whose fault it is, and it's not Jiyong's, even though he apologizes as he pushes Seunghyun away and rushes to the bathroom.

He's not _ignorant_ , even though he could be, if he wanted to. He knows whose fault it is, just as much as he knows why Jiyong won't bring it up.

Seunghyun is careful when he touches Jiyong's shoulder and holds his hair away from his face. Jiyong is much like a wild animal, he has figured out. He is hurt right now, and Seunghyun will do well to keep that in mind. Can't touch if you don't ask.

(This is a good rule to _always_ keep in mind. Seunghyun struggles with this one; he wonders if that makes him a bad person. Probably.)

The petals have gained color, a swirly red-gold-orange. Seunghyun leans closer, if only to hear Jiyong's breath catch. (Jiyong has enough trouble breathing as it is.)

(On the point of him being a bad person: there's no question. Almost definitely.)

"Lovely," Seunghyun observes, trying not to let the upwards tilt of his lips seep into his voice, stain it smug. "What are they?"

He fails. Jiyong jerks away, kicking the door frame. "Fuck if I know."

Seunghyun's phone vibrates with a text as he's flushing the toilet. Jiyong grabs it and snorts. His voice raises in pitch as he reads it out, mockingly sweet. "From your _wife. Baby, come home. The bed is cold without you._ Seunghyunnie, I'm surprised you still let her sleep in the same room as you. I'm proud."

Seunghyun bites his cheek as he shrugs on his coat. "I don't suppose you'll let me use your shower?"

Jiyong doesn't even turn around. Seunghyun can tell that he's lighting a cigarette by the way his words come out lopsided. "You can shower in hell, Seunghyun."

Fair. Seunghyun has the key, but he can't stay the night.

 _Saw a guy blow a guy on a street corner_ , Jiyong told him the first evening Seunghyun didn't text first. Took the smoke from between Seunghyun's lips and burnt a hole through his slacks putting it out. _Fucking blow him apart._

 _What do you want, Jiyong?_ Seunghyun had asked. Wrong. Jiyong raked his fingers through his hair, tugging hard.

 _Suck my dick against a stoplight, Seunghyun_ , Jiyong hissed, letting go just as harsh. _What the hell do_ you _want?_

He never made that mistake again.

 _why do you even stick around_ , Jiyong messages him. His number isn't saved, but Seunghyun can recite it. He doesn't respond. Kisses his wife on the cheek and tells her to have a good day and winks at the barista who takes his order. After he erases the already-lack of conversation, of course. He thinks about it during his lunch break, when he drives around Jiyong's block three times, and sees his curtains flutter once. Four people at the office snap at him for being distracted in the afternoon. Seunghyun smiles politely and leaves early.

 _What do you want me to do instead?_ Seunghyun finally replies.

 _fuck off and leave me to die. stop stalking me_ , comes the near-instant answer.

Followed by:

_damn me if i tell you i could live without you_

Seunghyun smiles but it tastes bitter.

Jiyong grips the sheets and cries out his name next night: _Seunghyun_ , and it sounds like gold and desperation falling from his lips.

Seunghyun finds a single blossom twisted in the blankets when Jiyong goes to the bathroom. He tucks it into the pocket of his shirt and hopes Jiyong doesn't notice his shaking hands.

He lights a cigarette and finds out, later, that the flower is a marigold. He doesn't bother with a meaning.

If Seunghyun wonders why he feels like the bad guy, it's because he is. So he doesn't wonder, just knows.

A while back, Seunghyun bought and lost a bracelet for his wife. He let it go. He shouldn't have.

"Where'd you get this?" Seunghyun lifts Jiyong's brittle wrist and grins. Jiyong smirks right back. He looks pretty in diamonds, _mine_ , Seunghyun muses. He laces their fingers together.

Jiyong's eyes are bright. In the way that says he knows he'll get away with it. "Gift."

Seunghyun wants to laugh. He pushes Jiyong up against the wall instead, presses close to him because he shouldn't laugh, shouldn't bare his throat right where Jiyong could rip it out. "A gift, huh?"

Jiyong hums, wrapping his hands around Seunghyun's neck. "Something wrong with that?"

"Of course not," Seunghyun grunts, and sees stars when Jiyong's thumbs dig a little harder into him.

"You seem a little distant," his wife worries.

"Sorry," Seunghyun apologizes, reaching to turn the light off. He saw the results on the test in the trash the other day, half-buried under toilet paper as they were, and he wants to try a little harder. "I'll be better."

 _I haven't loved you for so long_ , is what he might have said, if someone more than her wasn't depending on him, as well. _I can't remember the last time I went a day without lying to you_.

When he tells Jiyong, it's over text. He doesn't know why Jiyong needs to know, not when he responds with a laugh and a _you fucking deserve it_ , anyway. Not when Jiyong isn't going to stop kissing him like he _means_ it and it still feels so _good_.

He doesn't know why he bothers.

This is how it happens: Jiyong has always craved the end of the world. He wears the robe with the swallows stitched across the back because he thinks they'll carry his soul to heaven. _Like anything could erase the shit you've done_ , Seunghyun joked once, but Jiyong had only flicked ashes at him and looked away. Now, it's Seunghyun with the ashes, and he lets them drop onto Jiyong's bed. Let it burn, he figures, as if fucking Jiyong anywhere else might make him feel less guilty. Maybe.

They had taken their time today, pretending they had it. Jiyong is sitting with his back against the wall and _shivering_.

"Ji," Seunghyun starts, but Jiyong stumbles to the bathroom before he can decide how to finish, dropping to his knees and leaning over the bathtub.

There's not just flowers and petals this time.

"I wasn't fucking _kidding_ , Seunghyun," Jiyong rises on shaky legs, and he looks like he could collapse under the weight of his words. "Fuck off and I'll die. So just _fuck off_ already."

Seunghyun stares down at the mess of blood and marigolds and shame. Jiyong watches him in the mirror, leaning against the sink. There's ruby glistening on his lips, and he's _sickeningly_ beautiful.

"Jiyong..."

"You weren't the rebound," Jiyong snaps. " _I_ was. And I took it because I can't fucking stand it when you leave."

 _I love you_ , he doesn't say, even though this is the fact that has been killing him all this time. Seunghyun is in no position to force the words out, so he stays silent. Even as all the evidence he needs peers up at him, scarlet and shining, everything he hands back in halves.

Maybe he would stay, but the rest of life is loud and angry. He's sorry but Jiyong would never believe that.

Jiyong is pale and thin, and he grabs the coatrack to stay on his feet, watching Seunghyun button his shirt, lace his shoes, pull his jacket on. The guilt pulses upwards. Seunghyun is in over his head. He reaches for his left hand and pulls off his wedding ring.

Jiyong is too tired, too surprised, too _empty_ to resist when Seunghyun slips it over his left index finger, but that doesn't stop him from tugging it off as soon as Seunghyun pulls away.

Seunghyun bites his tongue as he opens the door. A fraction of the blood Jiyong has shed for him.

Jiyong clutches the ring in both hands, as if he could squeeze every last drop of emotion from it, to soak through his skin and eat away the flowers in his lungs. His eyes are glassy, and he gazes at Seunghyun with something too much like reverence when he grabs his wrist.

"You can drown."

**Author's Note:**

> (marigolds have way too many meanings, but, in this case, they symbolise cruelty, grief, and jealousy)
> 
> Comments and kudos are loved and cherished forever!


End file.
